There are different forms of patience we must endure along our journey. Some seem in our control, but require lots of elbow grease and effort put into the genealogy of our ancestors; based off of genetically linked cousins. However, once we get close to a potential match we are subjected to different ways that eat our patience. It is as if the closer we get to the truth, the less we feel in control of the way things will turn out. Unfortunately, this realization is not out of the ordinary.

Whenever we take care to build out our family trees and painstakingly align genetic genealogy to match up, there comes a time where we must cross over to the living relatives and attempt to make our case. This breaches the sanctity of what most genealogists would consider no mans land. Revealing the living relatives is one thing unacceptable to the genealogical community, but then contacting them is a whole other blasphemy. This is the gray area we are forced to cross into as adoptees and birth relatives seeking out those lost to the adoption system. Finding our roots has a price tag, and this bridge can sometimes feel like we have to pay Charon to cross the river Styx straight out of Roman mythology.

Searching for biological relatives is not always based on pure genealogy. Sometimes a starting point does not have a clear path to access information and find definitive proof. Guesses and theories evolve, but require substantiation to move forward. Finding living relatives to make contact with is especially hard, but has become vastly more realistic to perform through searching social media. Yet, once you find someone, you can only prepare to be sensitive, sincere, and extra patient with them. We are after all invading their private world and bringing news that may just not be welcome to hear.

While none of us chose to be adopted, or separated from biological family, some of us our stubborn enough, and curious enough to try and find where we began. It is not easy, but when you find what you are looking for, whether it comes from the journey itself or the eventual conclusion, a moment sets you apart from where you were before you started looking. You essentially can no longer claim ignorance of your first story. The one that leads back to the moment you were born, and the decades of history now connected at your roots; or from the perspective of a birth mother the decades you essentially mourned the loss of a part of yourself gone missing.

Eventually there comes a time to actually try and perform a litmus test of sorts. When one can see a pattern of truth or false information emerging from our genetic genealogy. There comes a time when either we are working on a side of the tree we have little or no information on; like the birth father, or what non-identifying information we have from the birth mother is false. Most of the time I find that the information passed down is similar, if not truth with some degrees of exaggeration. However, when not even that seems to pass off as partially true, a decision needs to be made.

While knowledge about genetics, genealogy, DNA testing and abstract thinking can help one on a search for birth relatives, people are often making it more difficult than it has to be when sorting through all the information collected. Good note taking skills and the ability to sort our data in the most efficient manner, can make any task a lot less frustrating and less likely that you may miss important revelations along the way.

While piles of paperwork can establish a relative in a family tree, one occasionally will come upon an individual who cannot be linked accurately to their mother or father. Normally one turns to other individuals to extend them further out. However, with our science (DNA testing) we can help break past these barriers and reach out into family trees that have yet to be documented with our secret bridge to the other side. The "genetics" used in genealogy is what has made it leaps and bounds more realistic to establishing connections to birth families where in the past there may have been little or no hope in working out purely with documentation available.

Genealogy can wear on your patience when it comes to certain kinds of occurrences that reoccur. Initially these novelties are a kind of fairy dust tossed into the mix. You become a little fascinated and wonder how often it will come up. However, after you have done this a while there is less and less wonder when tricky sets of similar naming can hold your interest, and they begin to act more like a splinter in your mind or an itch that cannot be scratched.

Times will come that a case needs more proof, pure but hardly simple, to substantiate links to the genetic genealogy of cousins. Having just a small amount of proof can be a big pill to swallow and justify leaps of faith to reach out to potential strangers and make a claim of birth relatives amongst them. No one wants to perform this task only to be burned by picking the wrong people and spending funds that some just cannot afford. However, working on the genealogy to go back a few more generations can eat a lot of time and patience. There is no guarantees that increasing the size of our trees will lead to the equivalent of a larger net to catch more DNA based cousins and substantiate or justify the need to try and reach out to potential biological family.

Keep looking. Never give up. Stay the course. You hear these words over and over as people encourage one another to keep up their search for birth relatives. I understand the exhaustion and depression that can lead one to want to throw in the towel. If only to come up for air and learn to breathe once more, before diving back into a search that seems to have no end in sight. Yet, search we must and believe that your miracle is somewhere out there. You just have to be patient enough to get back involved once bad luck or disappointments have hit home on your journey.

Every so often after I have spent so many weeks on other people's genealogy I take a crack and looking at my own family tree. Understand I still consider both my adopted family and my birth family relevant to extending information on. Yet today I spent some time on my distant maternal side of my birth family. Getting to a point in one's search for family that you can actually think like a normal genealogist fascinated with the individual stories of people in their distant relatives is something I do not take for granted. I definitely appreciate that my circumstances have changed and those I help have not yet achieved.

As our genetically linked trees grow, the hope and pain associated with our daily search seems to come in and go out like the ebbs and flows of the tide. You just have to remind yourself to think positively and know the goal can always be brought back into focus. It sometimes comes from one's own decision on just how you will face the day; as an optimist or as a pessimist. Perspective seems to be our best friend or worst enemy depending on those first thoughts of the day and one's will to see things on the horizon and not just in front of our face.

One must put aside any idea of impropriety or simplification when it comes to building family trees for adoptees. Yes, most of the time a young lady had an unplanned pregnancy and their boy friend or his family did not want a marriage to take place. Whatever you can imagine is more the rule of thumb when it comes of dreaming up the kinds of scenarios that actually happen. Some are simple and straight forward. You tend to try and rule out the simplest of equations first when doing this work. However, from there on out it becomes, "anything goes". You simply cannot limit yourself to the obvious anymore; you have to be willing to accept anything, come what may. People are seeking the truth, no matter what. So that is exactly how the searcher must plow forward as well.

While the vast majority of genealogists are very willing and even interested in contributing to an adoptees search, there are times when you meet someone that is neither helpful or constructive with your efforts. It is times like these that challenge our patience even further than we thought would be required. Some people just don't get that their walls of silence will not keep us from circumventing them to find the truth.

While disappointment is not uncommon for an adoptee to face throughout their search, on occasion I come across information that contradicts a genealogists family tree. Most of the time it is a small piece of information. Sometimes I even save up a few documents as a show of good faith to provide with someone who may be hesitant to trust my questions about particular people on their family tree. Most are appreciative of exchanging information and willing to share; especially when I bring something to the table. Yet, today's topic is not about a little piece of information, it pretty much pulls the foundation out from beneath a rather large tree. Let's just say, I hope I am wrong.

While the goal is to find birth relatives with the genealogy I work on for adoptees and birth family, there just is no way to avoid being pulled into curiosities that will occasionally pop up. I am no less curious than your typical genealogist. While everyone you work with has an individual history to want to carefully document and shed light on, there comes a time where a surname just cannot be put aside. For me the curiosities of an odd surname need to be understood. What does that mean? Oh about four more hours of research I did not intend on putting in, just to satiate my, "need to know".

Looking for birth family is not just about genealogy and DNA testing. Nor is it just about being patient and constructive with your time. It is also being able to cope with the feelings and preparing for times when you can become overwhelmed by the gloom that tends to accompany you on days where progress is no where to be found.

Sometimes we run out of clues, obvious hints, and even people. You can see the genetically linked cousin within sight of where our adoptee's birth parents should be, but no one seems to fit the ticket. That's when we have to start to reexamine all the lonely people who appear as if they lived their whole lives with no husband or wife. Out comes the magnifying glass and on goes the search. However, this time we try and prove the did not meet someone and consummate a marriage.

There are searches that may appear as if they hit a dead end, only to rapidly shift and swiftly turn a corner toward the conclusion with a handful of clues. One never knows the kinds of breadcrumbs that can manifest themselves to change the circumstances of a search. In this case, being different actually made it a lot easier to leap toward the answers, and ultimately bring a truth to the surface for an adoptee.

Being meticulous with ones's note taking while working on an adoptees case is essential. One can easily lose one's place switching gears from one case to another. Confusing facts from one case and trying to prove them in another is just not acceptable. There must be a clean delineation and quick way to start where one left off, or you create a whole lot more work than necessary. As if it were not already tricky enough to navigate these mysteries, poor note taking can unravel more than progress, it consumes vast quantities of patience.